Thinking About Divorce - or Already In It? Start Here.

A practical guide to figuring out what you actually need to do next.

You may have joined My Next Chapter because you think you want a divorce but aren't completely sure. You may know you want one and have absolutely no idea what you're supposed to do next. Or you may already be separated or well into the process and suddenly feel like you need to regroup.

Wherever you are, you don’t need to have everything figured out before you start.

And if your divorce is already final, that doesn't mean you're “done.” Parenting plans evolve, financial realities change, agreements sometimes need to be revisited, and dating, co-parenting and blended families can bring entirely new questions. You may want to jump ahead to our post-divorce resources.

For everyone else, here's the most important thing to know: you don't need to figure out your entire divorce right now. You need to figure out what needs attention now, what can wait, and what information will help you make your next decision.

First: Find Your Starting Point

Before downloading every checklist or calling three lawyers, figure out what question you're actually trying to answer.

“I'm not sure I want a divorce.”
Don't force yourself into planning a divorce you haven't decided you want. You can still get informed about your finances, understand your legal options and think through what separation might realistically look like. Getting information doesn't commit you to leaving.

Start here: Pre-Divorce Crossroads

“I know I want a divorce, but I haven't really started.”
This is where preparation can make a significant difference. Start gathering information about your finances, children, housing and process options before trying to negotiate outcomes. The five steps below are designed for you.

“I'm already in the middle of it—and I feel stuck or overwhelmed.”
You probably don't need to start over. Step back and identify what's actually unresolved. Is it money? Parenting? The house? A spouse who won't engage? A negotiation that has stalled? Use the sections below as a reset: skip what you've already handled and focus on the issue that's keeping you from moving forward.

Not sure which describes you? Take our 4-question Find Your Next Step quiz. It can help point you toward preparing first, exploring filing, considering a transition plan or simply getting more informed.

Your First 5 Moves

1. Gather Information Before You Start Negotiating

You do not need to know what you want in a settlement yet. You do need to know what exists.

Start by creating one private folder—digital or physical—and begin collecting recent bank, investment and retirement statements; mortgage information; credit-card and loan statements; recent pay stubs and tax returns; insurance policies; and business or equity-compensation information, if applicable.

Do this now: Open the Financial Prep Checklist and work through it one category at a time.

Don't have access to everything? That is useful information too. Make a simple list: Have / Don't Have / Don't Know Exists. You can bring that list to an attorney, mediator or financial professional later.

Then make one basic financial snapshot. You don't need a 40-tab spreadsheet. Start with four numbers:

Monthly household income: ______
Approximate monthly spending: ______
Approximate total assets: ______
Approximate total debt: ______

From there, use What You Own, What You Owe to build the fuller picture, and the Divorce Budget Template to begin thinking about what life in two households could cost.

Not sure you're actually getting divorced? This step can still be useful. Understanding your household finances doesn't commit you to anything. It simply gives you better information about the life you're living now—and what a different one might look like.

Go deeper: 4 Financial Steps to Take During Divorce—and the Tools to Help You Do Them.

2. Don't Start With “I Want 50/50.” Start With Tuesday.

If you have children, don't begin by trying to pick a custody label. Start by looking at how your children actually live.

Take a blank week and fill in school, pickups, practices, tutoring, homework, work schedules, weekends and other recurring commitments. Then ask: Who currently handles mornings? Who can realistically handle pickups? How far apart might you live? Which activities need to continue? What does each child's age and temperament require? Where do transitions naturally fit?

A workable parenting plan covers the actual schedule, holidays, children's activities and needs, work schedules, distance between homes and how parents will communicate—not simply a custody percentage.

Then draft an actual schedule.

For example, one possibility might be that the children are primarily in one home Monday through Thursday, alternate weekends Friday after school through Monday morning, and have dinner or an overnight with the other parent on Wednesday.

That's not a recommendation. It's simply the kind of concrete scenario you can react to. Maybe you look at it and think: Absolutely not. Good. You've learned something. Try another.

Learn more:
Understanding Custody Options and
Reviewing Core Elements of a Parenting and Custody Agreement.

Already divorced? The same exercise can be useful if the schedule that worked when your children were younger no longer fits school, sports, driving, jobs or teenagers' changing lives. The question becomes less “What should our original parenting plan say?” and more “Does the plan we have still work?”

3. Understand Your Options Before Hiring Someone to Execute One

One of the easiest assumptions to make early in divorce is:

I want a divorce → I hire a lawyer → we go to court.

But there are several possible paths. Depending on your situation and jurisdiction, you might negotiate directly with attorneys, mediate, use a collaborative process, file and continue negotiating or mediating while the court case moves forward, or reach an agreement before filing. Mediation, collaborative divorce and litigation each work differently, and divorce is not a one-size-fits-all process.

So before deciding who to hire, ask a more useful question: What do I actually need help resolving?

If you and your spouse can exchange information and have productive conversations, you may want to learn more about mediation. If you can agree on many things but need lawyers helping you negotiate, another process may make sense. If your spouse won't participate, financial information is being withheld, or you need temporary court orders or other legal protections, talk with a local attorney about whether filing sooner could matter.

Already in the process? Use this as a reset. Ask yourself: Is our current...