Preparing to Decide: How To Think About Divorce When You’re Stuck In Your Marriage

If you’re stuck in that uncertain, murky middle ground of your marriage — not miserable, but not fulfilled either — you’re far from alone. Many people remain in relationships, feeling emotionally “stuck” because of children, financial entanglements, fear of being alone, or sheer uncertainty about what happiness even looks like anymore.

The question, “Should I stay or should I go?” isn’t just about love. It’s about identity, values, and the sometimes paralyzing complexity of real life.

Ultimately, this is a deeply personal decision. We can’t hand you The Answer. And we won’t try. What we can offer are tools to help you better understand yourself, resources to explore your options, and ideas to support you as you make a choice that aligns with who you are and how you want to show up — for yourself, your partner, and your family.

The in-between zone: what it is and why it’s so common

This in-between place — what I often call ambivalence — is extremely common. I have found in my practice that the decision to divorce is not a single event, but a slow, emotional process that often unfolds over years. 

In many cases, people stay in marriages because of constraints or for reasons that make it hard to leave. Less important for them, perhaps, is a dedication to their spouse — one rooted in connection, love, and shared purpose. 

Here are five common reasons people stay.

1. Not wanting to disrupt the kids’ lives

If this rings true for you, check out my video, Kids and Divorce: An Age-by-Age Guide to Common Reactions. You’ll see that there’s no “right” age to tell your kids you’re divorcing.

I worked with a client who began therapy when her children were in high school. Each year, she would revisit the same pros and cons list, weighing how leaving the marriage might affect her kids. Her focus remained almost entirely on their needs, while her own desires and well-being were pushed to the side. She lived in constant fear of how her choices might impact them. Time passed, and before she knew it, her children were in college — yet she found herself still stuck in the same decision-making loop. When she finally chose to leave the marriage, new fears emerged: would her children still feel at home? Would they stop visiting because everything looked and felt different? Through deep therapeutic work and reflection, she came to understand that there was never going to be a "perfect" time. Ultimately, she had to accept responsibility for her decision and learn to tolerate her children’s full range of emotions in response. Over time, she realized she had spent years tuned into their feelings, while being disconnected from her own. In her next chapter, she finally learned how to embrace her own thoughts and feelings.

2. Uncertainty around financials now and in the future

Financial instability — or fear of it — is a valid and relatable reason to remain in an unfulfilling marriage. However, a divorce attorney’s job is to ensure your settlement is equitable through the fair division of assets and may also include stipulations for spousal or child support payments. Check out our article, Navigating Your Marital Settlement Agreement, to learn more about this all-encompassing legal document as well as our video, How to Understand Child Support and Related Expenses, to learn more about what financial supports you may be entitled to if you have children. 

3. Social or religious stigma

First of all, let me reassure you: You’re not alone. The latest research says that 42 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and the rate is closer to 50 percent when you include second marriages. Still, you may experience internalized stigma — and some people will treat you differently. My video How to Navigate Difficult Emotions will help you put this stigma and some of the associated feelings into context. And How To Navigate Changing Relationships Post-Divorce will help you manage the difficulties that can arise when people don’t react to divorce the way we’d hoped.

4. Fear of being alone

“People often choose to stay in their comfort zones because the pain of change feels greater than the pain of remaining the same,” says author Mel Robbins. Many people don’t realize that sometimes what we fear can ultimately turn into something we learn to appreciate, something that makes us better.

If you have been with your partner for much of your adult life, it’s natural to feel nervous about how it will be without that person, even if you’re in a relationship that’s not working. And the truth is, if you do make a change, it won’t always be easy. You will have moments of loneliness and nostalgia. But for many of my clients, they not only learned to tolerate these feelings but also found ways to translate them into something positive. The change offered them an opportunity to reflect and identify new pursuits and connections that made them happy as adults.

5. Hope that things will improve with time

It’s natural in all relationships to go through periods of disconnection — and just as natural to hold on to hope that things will improve over time. This is one of the reasons people often say, “Marriage is hard work.”

My perspective is that relationships are a lot like workouts at the gym. For growth to happen, a workout has to be challenging — it should stretch us, push us, and even create some soreness as our muscles strengthen. Similarly, our partners will inevitably challenge us. There will be moments of discomfort, vulnerability, and emotional strain. That’s part of what makes relationships meaningful and transformative. But just like with exercise, it’s crucial to recognize the difference between soreness and pain. Soreness is part of the process — it signals growth. Pain, on the other hand, can be a warning sign that something’s wrong.

In relationships, if you’ve been experiencing repeated emotional pain, and if you’re still holding on to hope, you’ve endured even more of it, and it may be time to take a deeper, more honest look at what’s happening. Growth doesn’t require suffering — and love should never be confused with enduring harm.

Knowing yourself first: key questions to ask

If any of the constraints above resonated with you, it may be time to ask yourself some tough questions. Because staying solely for constraints can lead to deep emotional numbness over time — or even quiet resentment.

Before you make any decisions, the goal is not to jump to “leave or stay,” but to pause and know yourself better. I recommend taking time for self-reflection. Consider these questions:

Am I truly unhappy or just unfulfilled? Sometimes dissatisfaction is situational (stress, lack of connection, emotional distance) rather than the result of fundamental incompatibility.

Have I communicated my needs clearly and consistently? Poor communication patterns are often reversible — but only if both partners are willing to try.

What have I tried already? If therapy, intentional effort, or new strategies haven’t changed the emotional tone of the marriage, that may say something about long-term sustainability.

What would need to change for me to want to stay — and is that realistic? This question brings clarity to what exactly feels “missing,” and whether your partner is willing/able to meet you in that.

Am I afraid of being alone more than I am hopeful for a better life? Fear of the unknown can keep people stuck. But fear is not a viable substitute for love. We developed the video Learning How To Make Decisions In This Next Phase for people whose divorces have been finalized; however, the advice is helpful for anyone struggling to trust themselves enough to make the tough decisions.

When does it make sense to stay?

There are times when staying — at least for now — can be a wise choice. Mental-health experts often agree it may make sense to stay when:

• There is still respect, safety, and some emotional connection. Even if things are strained, a foundation of mutual regard and shared values can sometimes be rebuilt.
• Both partners are willing to work on the relationship. Change is possible, but only if both people are invested.
• You are unsure and haven’t explored all option. If you haven’t tried couples counseling, individual therapy, or conscious reconnection practices, you may not have full clarity yet.

When Does It Make Sense to Go?

On the other hand, research and clinical wisdom point to situations where leaving is not only reasonable but may be essential:

• You feel emotionally dead inside. ⁠Dr. Esther Perel calls this the “quiet divorce that happens while staying married.” If you feel invisible, shut down, or like a stranger to yourself, it may be time to consider the cost of staying.
• The relationship is consistently toxic, unsafe, or demeaning. Abuse, manipulation, or chronic disrespect is a clear sign it’s time to go — no matter what other constraints exist.
• You’ve tried everything and nothing changes. If years of therapy, conversations, and effort have failed to shift the dynamics, you’re likely seeing the limits of what’s possible.
• Staying is modeling an unhealthy relationship for your children. Kids don’t just learn from what you say — they internalize what they see. Staying “for the kids” can backfire if it shows them that emotional disconnection is normal.

It’s okay not to have the answer. In fact, the process of asking these questions and tuning in to your own needs is part of the answer. The real decision is not about divorce — it’s about how to live with integrity, authenticity, and care for all involved.

Whether you stay or go, make sure the decision comes from clarity, not fear. From honesty, not pressure. That’s how you start writing the next chapter — whichever way it goes.