Your Parenting Plan: How to Support Your Kids

While half of the population comes from divorced parents and grows up to be well-functioning, capable adults, it’s important to remember that how children cope depends largely on how the divorce is handled and the circumstances surrounding it.

Children often feel vulnerable because they didn’t choose the separation but are still deeply affected by it. This can lead to confusion, internal conflicts, or even self-blame. Some children may blame one parent or both, while others may struggle with feelings of loss, distrust, or insecurity.

In households with high conflict, where arguments and fighting were common, children may even feel a sense of relief once the marriage ends — and with it the hostile environment.

It's also crucial to recognize that a child’s reaction to divorce can vary depending on their age. There is no definitive answer to the "best" or "worst" age for divorce; conflicting research exists on the matter. Many experts agree that children between the ages of 6 and 12 may have the most difficulty. They are old enough to remember the family unit as it was but may not have the emotional tools to fully process the change.

Still, divorce can and will impact children of all ages, and knowing what to expect and how to support them can go a long way in easing the transition.

Birth to 18 months

Even at a very young age, babies can sense stress and emotional tension from their primary caregivers, though they may not fully understand the cause or nature of the shift. Their bodies are highly attuned to the emotional environment around them, and this can influence their sense of security and well-being.

During this time, it's essential to create an environment of safety and consistency. While parents may experience emotional turbulence, maintaining a steady routine — especially in terms of feeding, sleeping, and play — provides a sense of stability. This routine should remain consistent, regardless of who the caregiver is on any given day.

Babies who have mastered some developmental tasks may demonstrate some forms of regression.

Key Takeaways

• Babies sense stress and emotional tension but can't understanding the cause.
• Babies who have mastered some developmental tasks may demonstrate some forms of regression.
• A baby’s emotional environment influences their security. The three causes of distress in the infant/toddler include:
  • Unpredictable daily routines
  • Hostility in their environment
  • Emotional distress of primary caregiver

Parental role:

• Maintain safety and consistency through routines (feeding, sleeping, and play).
• Create a calm, stable environment despite personal challenges.

18 months to 3 years old

At this stage, toddlers are deeply dependent on their attachment to their parents. When children feel secure, they can explore their world confidently, often engaging in independent play. However, children who feel less secure may have a harder time being soothed and may exhibit more clinginess, irritability, or difficulty settling into routines.

Toddlers do not have the cognitive ability to understand the whys behind changes, like a divorce, and so we must work to create a sense of stability and sturdiness around them. Common emotions at this age include confusion, anxiety, and fear of abandonment, which are normal responses to upheaval. Providing reassurance and maintaining routines can help mitigate these fears and provide a sense of emotional safety.

The changes and conflicts that come with divorce can result in toddlers becoming more difficult to soothe, and they may experience disruptions in their bedtime routine, or show signs of distress in other areas of their day-to-day life.

During this time, it’s crucial for parents to respond to their child’s distress in a calm and composed manner. It's important to lower the "emotional temperature" in the home, as children are highly sensitive to the emotional climate around them. While it’s natural to feel your own distress, keeping your own emotions in check can help your child feel more secure and supported.

Key Takeaways

• Toddlers rely on attachment for emotional development and confident exploration.
• Typical toddler responses may include:
  • Clinginess, irritability, or disrupted routines.
  • Confusion, anxiety, and fear of abandonment.
  • Some backsliding from previously mastered developmental milestones, which should be temporary.

Parental role:

• Reassure and maintain routines.
• Lower emotional tension at home.
• Respond calmly to the child’s distress.

3 to 6 years old

Fear of abandonment is a common concern for children in this age group. Since they rely heavily on their parents for physical and emotional security, the disruption of separation or divorce could cause the child to become more nervous or clingy; they may need more attention, too. It is common for children at this age to become a bit regressive at times, defaulting to old routines with toys and blankies and needing more time with parental figures.

Preschool-age children are often developing more of an understanding of the abstract and tend to ask many questions that lead to more questions as a way to figure out how they fit into the world.

Preschoolers still require clear and concrete explanations but may be more prone to fears or uncertainties about the future. While they might not fully understand the concept of separation or divorce, they are highly sensitive to changes in their environment. If these changes occur without proper explanation, they may experience heightened worry or anxiety.

It’s crucial to provide straightforward information while also reassuring them about their safety and stability.

Young children are naturally egocentric and often focus on how situations will directly affect their daily needs. This perspective reflects their developmental stage, as they rely heavily on their parents for a sense of security and...