High-Conflict Support: When Your Ex Has A History Of Addiction: How To Cope

Addiction can significantly impact all aspects of a relationship, especially marriage. It’s no surprise that addiction plays a role in divorce; it is estimated that around 7 to 10 percent of divorces can be attributed directly to addiction-related issues, including substance abuse, gambling, and other behavioral addictions.

The destructive effects of addiction can erode trust and communication, often becoming the breaking point of a marriage. Addictive behaviors can lead to feelings of betrayal, neglect, and emotional exhaustion. This creates an environment where connection becomes increasingly difficult. Financial instability, physical health problems, and emotional distance are common outcomes of addiction, all of which contribute to a relationship's decline.

Trust is fundamental to any marriage, and it can quickly break down when addiction is involved. The dishonesty and secrecy that often accompany addictive behaviors create a barrier between partners, making it challenging to rebuild communication or understanding.

The emotional toll on both partners is profound. The spouse of an addict may feel isolated, constantly on edge, and dealing with the aftermath of each relapse. At the same time, the addict may struggle with shame and guilt, further preventing them from being fully present in the relationship.

Given these challenges, addiction is a significant factor in divorce.

Different types of addictions common with divorce

Several types of addiction can strain a marriage, creating issues that may ultimately lead to separation. Here are some of the most common addictions associated with divorce:

• Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs)
  One of the most well known and damaging forms of addiction, substance abuse can lead to physical and emotional neglect, financial instability, and severe trust issues. Embarrassment and shame are common for those who are in a relationship with an addict. Addicts often hide their behavior or downplay its impact, causing deep resentment in the relationship.
• Gambling addiction
  Gambling can be a silent but destructive force in relationships. The financial strain from lost money, combined with secrecy and dishonesty, often leads to irreparable damage in a marriage. Spouses of gambling addicts may feel betrayed or abandoned, leading to emotional detachment and, ultimately, divorce.
• Sex and pornography addiction
  These types of addictions can cause emotional and physical distance in a marriage. This lack of intimacy and trust can destroy the foundation of the relationship over time.
• Social-media or video-game addiction
  In the digital age, excessive use of social media or video games has become a growing problem. When one partner becomes overly absorbed in these activities, it can lead to neglect of the relationship and lack of communication. The resulting emotional distance and neglect can create frustration, loneliness, and resentment.
• Prescription-drug addiction
  Prescription drugs, especially painkillers or anxiety medications, can create a dependency that is difficult to overcome and can mimic that of a narcotic addiction. This can lead to erratic behavior, mood swings, and neglect in a marriage, particularly if the addiction is kept hidden or the addict refuses to seek help.

How to cope with an ex-spouse who has addictive tendencies and disorders

If you are divorced or in the process of divorcing because addiction has been a factor in your marriage, it’s essential to consider how to move forward in a healthy way. Addiction can erode every element of a relationship — trust, communication, emotional connection, and shared values — leaving deep scars and breaking down your optimism and trust in future relationships. 

The journey forward after such a painful experience requires time, self-care, and a focus on rebuilding your sense of self-worth and trust. Here are some important steps to consider when moving forward after an addiction-related divorce:

Acknowledge the impact

Recognize the emotional toll that addiction may have taken on you during the marriage. Many people describe being in a state of fight or flight themselves — having to manage someone else's addictive tendencies and attempting to keep them safe. Therefore, it's normal to feel a range of emotions, from anger and betrayal to sadness and confusion. 

Seek professional support

Therapy, either individually or in a group setting, can help you work through the range of  your emotions and gain insight into the impact addiction has had on your life and your loved ones'. Group therapy is especially popular and effective for families of those with addiction. It enables family members to regain control of their lives and begin the process of healing, not only for themselves but for the rest of the family unit.