High-Conflict Support: When Your Ex Has A Personality Disorder: How To Cope

High-conflict divorces often involve spouses with a personality disorder. They may be more comfortable in conflict, driven by the need to be right, and, when emotionally hurt, may want to inflict pain on others rather than face their own discomfort. These traits can make collaboration and agreement between divorced spouses nearly impossible.

As a clinical psychologist, I’ve worked with many patients who meet the criteria for personality disorders, as well as many spouses whose partners qualify. The following are the most common personality disorders associated with high-conflict divorces. I’ll explain what they are and how they develop, then provide you with strategies for engaging with individuals who exhibit these traits.

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

We hear the most about this one, as it’s often discussed on social media. It's important to note that people may have traits of this disorder, but without a proper diagnosis, we can’t assume that someone has NPD.

What it is: Individuals with NPD have an inflated sense of their own importance and a lack of empathy for others. They crave excessive admiration and are highly sensitive to criticism or perceived slights. They have a hard time being vulnerable with others, and they prioritize being right.

How it forms: NPD develops as a result of early childhood experiences. It can stem from excessive praise or, conversely, neglect or abuse. It may also form from an experience that led them to become defensive and armor themselves with a sense of superiority. In these cases, the disorder serves as a defense mechanism, developed to cope with deep-seated feelings of insecurity and vulnerability.

Narcissistic tendencies in divorce

• Desire for control over the children, not what's best for them: Narcissists may push for control over the children to maintain power in the situation, not because they genuinely have the children's best interests at heart. 
• Minimizing and invalidating others: Narcissists often try to minimize or invalidate the perspectives and experiences of others, including you. Prepare for them to dismiss your concerns or feelings. 
• Exhausting you and breaking you down: One of their primary tactics is to wear you down emotionally, mentally, and sometimes financially. The best response to this is to "swim above the conflict." Avoid getting pulled into deep emotional disputes or power plays. 
• Charming to outsiders, toxic to you: Narcissists can be incredibly charming and manipulative, often winning others over with their charisma. Behind closed doors, however, they can be toxic and demeaning. 
• Accountability is rare: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions and seldom feel guilt or remorse. They may try to shift the blame onto you or others. 

Best practices for dealing with narcissists in high-conflict divorces

• Set clear boundaries and stick to them: Narcissists often test boundaries, seeking to manipulate or control situations. Be firm and consistent with your boundaries. They will try to push you, but sticking to your limits is crucial for maintaining control over the situation.
• Keep communication direct and professional: Limit emotional engagement and focus on the facts of the divorce. The less you feed into their emotional manipulation, the easier it will be to navigate the process.
• Avoid power struggles and trying to win their approval: Narcissists thrive on power struggles and the need for control. Avoid engaging in these battles, as they will only fuel the conflict. Do not seek their approval or validation; instead, remain calm and focused on the facts.
• Focus on facts, not emotions: Narcissists are more likely to respond to logical reasoning rather than emotional appeals. Keep communication factual and clear, avoiding emotional entanglements. They are skilled at twisting emotions to their advantage, so it’s essential to stay grounded in the objective truth.
• Don’t take their behavior personally: A narcissist’s tendency to devalue others comes from their own deep insecurities. Their attacks or criticisms aren’t about you — they are reflections of their internal struggles. Maintaining emotional detachment is key in protecting your own mental health.
• Protect the children: If you’re a parent, do everything in your power to ensure that all decisions prioritize children’s well-being above the narcissist’s desire for dominance.
• Engage a professional mediator: A neutral third party can be invaluable in keeping the divorce process on track and preventing the narcissist from hijacking the situation. If you can, work with mediators who are experienced in handling high-conflict personalities.
• Document everything: Narcissists are known for manipulating or twisting narratives to fit their needs. Keep detailed records of all communication and interactions, whether in person, over email, or by text, to ensure a clear trail of evidence if needed.
• Seek professional support: In addition to a lawyer, consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in high-conflict divorces. They can help you navigate your emotions and provide strategies to maintain your mental health during the process.